Time To Heal Old Wounds

Time to heal old wounds. Wounds created by family members. I just don't know how and when to start. 

My father has passed on for several years now, if you ask me how long, I really don't know. I was living abroad when he left this world, so I wasn't able to bury him. Well, it would have been an awkward feeling if I was home at the time, cuz I really don't know what would I've done. Me and my father did not get along well. Let's put it this way, if I were given a choice, I wouldn't pick him to be my father much so my mother's better half. Because he was never a good father to us or a great husband to my mom. He was both physically and verbally abusive, an alcoholic and didn't care for anybody but himself. 

Sad to say that I don't recall a happy moment with him. This is why me and m brothers are badly broken. I am not going to blame him for everything that happened to me or my brothers because each one of us have a choice. I chose to better my situation, study harder and get out of the shit that I was in when i was living in the same roof as he was; my brothers chose a different path sad to say. But for some reason, anger, hatred and indifference has kept me from really moving forward. I find it hard to hard to relate, trust and keep good connection with people. It is the reason why I keep a small group of friends, mostly from my high school years. They know my story and they will never judge me for being who I am. 

So I am writing about my father today, because my youngest brother asked me earlier if I want to go to our house in Cavite and visit him at the graveyard. Instantly, I felt the need to see him and finally release him and myself from the trap that I have made myself. I am tired, and I want him to know that I have already forgiven him, but I needed to see him one last time albeit in the graveyard. However, I am not ready yet… I don't know if I ever will, I really don't know what's holding me back. Maybe real forgiveness is not offered yet. But I promised myself to go next week, alone. This has to be done, sooner than later. My little brother understood me, so he will go all by himself.  I envy my brother because he has moved on. It's probably time for a brotherly talk over coffee or tequila! 

But before that day happens I am committing myself to go to our house in Cavite sometime next week and visit his graveyard, offer him flowers and light a candle. When I have done that, I know I have made a step to healing. Inshallah.